cardamom168

10:07 pm: Post- Finals
We made it home alive. I finished my finals. So far, I got two A's and one A-. I love my friends.

03:21 pm: Did you know that you could play WAR at the casino?
I have been waiting around for tomorrow. Tomorrow is when I start school. I have borrowed up to my limit. I have signed my adult life away in the hopes that I will do as well as Fae in school and not have to sign away the life of the children that I am not planning to have. I have most of my books, I have my schedule written down, and now I am just waiting. I managed to attempt to work out the lover- ship that had so not worked for me before, but I am nothing if not stubborn. I ended up attempting to find my people, and instead getting totally freaked out at a play party. I slept for shit last night, and am planning to take prescriptive action to be able to sleep tonight, because tomorrow I go to school. I am going to wash my hair and attempt to learn the Bad Girl Hustle before starting my life anew tomorrow. I have my breakfast packed, but not my lunch yet. I watched my netflix that Susan did not want to see so that we would be able to get what is coming up next on the queue, which is Shreck. Wish me luck in the coming weeks people, I am going to need it.

Tags: "that which does not kill me will make m

09:01 pm: We keep jumping in, only to keep getting spit out
Well, I am back home. Re- entry is not so much fun. I lost things on the way to the land (a beautiful scarf that I bartered w/ Fae to get about 100 years ago), I lost things on the land (my Nalgene that I had grown apart from), and I lost things on the way home ( I left my butt pillow in GALS living room. I was NOT trying to leave. Oh well. I had to go home some time. Both my partner and I had a really hard time leaving, but my neighbor would have eventually run out of cat food, so we went home. I have a list of things for next year that grows as I process every single thing that occurred for me. I came home to discover that I had in fact had been accepted to the college in town that had been giving me the run around most of the summer. I even attempted to register on-line in Ludington, only to have my hopes dashed, I suppose that there are some more red tape covered hoops that I need to jump through to actually get registered and go to classes. I want to become a certified diabetes educator, and that will take a B.S. in either dietetics or nursing, which was kind of what I was attempting to do before I got diagnosed. I got my certificate for group fitness instructor, along w/ a little pin and a membership card. I have these big dreams of working a few times a week, making absolutely excellent grades, then getting all of the scholarships in all of scholar-dom. My partner said that I would need to make a three year (at least) commitment to get my B.S. and then do the post graduate work to get the certification for a job that I would probably love, but I am still trying to figure out how much money I could actually make doing it. Anyway, I hope everybody else's re- entry is smooth and drama free.

Tags: that which does not kill me makes me str

10:20 am: To Humiliate, as opposed to actually searching
I was called for jury duty about 8 years ago. I was so very excited to do my duty as a citizen. I got picked for the jury, but then got bumped off for being 2 hours late to the actual court case. I got called again, and I asked to be excused from the jury because my best friend wanted to go across the country to meet a guy in real time that she had been chatting w/ on line, and I was going w/ her. It was a long time ago, and between then and now, the was that whole 9/11 thing. So, I get called again, and I make sure that A I am there on time. I am in a line of about 50 people waiting for the employees to go through the other door and get searched by security. Then they start searching us. When I get up to the head of the line, I inform the security personnel that I have diabetes, and am in possession of insulin and syringes. I also have to negotiate to get a hand search of my insulin, as it can be adversely affected by xray. I go through the thing after telling just about all of my business, and it goes off. I have to walk back through twice again, and then have to be cleared. In the meantime, one security person has my lunch, another has my purse, my book bag is still at the xray machine, and there are about 80 other people going through the same area. after finally getting cleared I go to put all of my things back together, and the supervisor comes over to ask why "this person" (that would be me)was cleared, and then they have to paw through all of my stuff all over again. Not finding the same stuff that they did not find the 1st time that they looked through. I then started to try and put my stuff together (again) with the supervisor standing over me. "Am I doing something wrong?" I asked, seeing as I had now been cleared, even by him. "Yeah, but you go on ahead." What was that supposed to mean? I just felt dirty for the rest of the time I was there. Mind you, one of the main things that they had big signs about and repeated over and over was no spray bottles. I had a spray bottle that they never bothered to look at, they were so busy pawing through my lunch. I also had an electrical device (my glucose meter) that the never even really looked at, because they did not have time to actually do anything other make me feel bad. If I had been actually trying to do some damage, I could have done it. I am supposed to fly to Utah at the beginning of April... I can't wait.

02:10 pm: Okay, so it's been a while
I have had many ideas floating around in my head for posts. None of which I actually ended up posting. "Flying face first back into the job market" and "Skipping w/ Lolita colored toes into the new year" are a couple of them. Some brief updates on my world. After being crimminal background checked, fingerprinted, and drug tested, I ended up not getting a job at the airport as a baggage handler (part time, but w/ health benefits)because I was unwilling to release my MEDICAL RECORDS! I do have boundaries, and that was one of them. I will see how long I get to hold onto this boundary as I continue to attempt to find work and fund going back to school, again. I have not taken the aerobics teacher training yet, and I have fallen out of the habit of studying, I am working on falling back in. I have become addicted to "Torchwood" which is a show on the BBC that is fascinating and SCARY. It's really character driven, and I have been watching all of the episodes on You Tube. I spend way too much time on You Tube, particularly since I do not have a web cam to post stuff. My partner got a digital camera last week, and we have spent the past several days taking pictures of the cats, the highway, and a couple of small stuffed toys we refer to as our "ids".I got fired from the dog walking, I am assuming that it is not anything personal like the dog owner having a problem w/ my dog walking "style". I think that she was just downsizing her expenses. She also got a choke chain w/ spikes on it that pokes into the dog's neck that I would have refused to use, anyway. I did not sleep for most of last night, and several people that I know had the same experience. It has been suggested that when it rains, which is supposed to be this afternoon, I will be able to sleep. I am ever hopeful. I have plans to post more in the future, and I am planning on having, or making up, some interesting stories to share.

11:26 am: Defender of Puppies
So, I am taking my neighbor's dog for a walk this morning. Her name is Misha, and she was formerly in a shelter. She looks like a boxer, and I am often asked if I would like to breed her when we are out together. Anyway, I had to front off TWO packs of dogs (and a puppy, all by his little self) while trying to walk w/ her today. My approach is to bark back. I think that I am discovering a whole new aspect to my vocal range that involves low growls and sharp snaps. The situation that I was the most concerned about came when we were almost back at the house and we were run up on by three chiuhahuas. Those dogs were aggressive, and their behavior originally inspired my approach to dealing w/ dogs on this street. There are usually like FIVE of them (maybe a couple of them were on break or something). I think that, though my barking was eventually successful, that I may need to take my neighbor up on her offer of pepper spray. When you are the only human around, and more than one dog runs up on you, it can be very scary.

11:10 am: Still on this side of the Veil
"comfortably asocial- a hermit"..." a pessimist if I am not careful,a feminist, a Black, a former Baptist, an oil-and-water combination of ambition, laziness, insecurity, certainty and drive." I started mourning Octavia E. Butler all over again. Part of me is just frustrated that I am never going to get to read the rest of the series that she started. Her last book was amazing. I also discovered yesterday that Lisa Barnett passed this year, partner and co- author w/ Melissa Scott of the Points novels. My good friend Annette passed this spring, right around the time that I was getting out of the hospital. Since I nearly died this year, I suppose being that close to the veil has made me feel more sensitive about other people who have crossed over. I never saw any bright light, or had conversation w/ dead relatives who informed me that it was not yet my time. I was just feeling exhausted and weak one evening, and the next thing I knew, it was 2 days later and I was looking around what I perceived to be a pastel space ship. It was the ICU. My partner the atheist and my good friend the African centered Pagan both said that this was simply because my heart never stopped, therefore I was never dead. Just almost dead. I have not decided whether this concept is comforting to me or not.
About 2 hours after Katie and Messina left last weekend (came to town to see Lady Sovereign) I borrowed my mother's car for a week. On the way back from picking it up at my brother's house, a woman I had not even seen near me w/ a like 9 year old girl asked me if I could give her a ride to where her car had stalled out. She said that she had heard me mention Detroit, that her car was there, she had been waiting for a cab for over a hour. It was one of those split second things where you have to make a decision from your gut. So I said "Okay." For the whole 20 minute ride I was wondering if this was some sort of elaborate set up, and I figure that she was probably thinking the same thing. Vulnerability is an intensive experience. She asked me to drop her off not too far from where I live now, and she offered me money, but I just said that she would probably need it for her car. I am holding out the hope that she and her daughter are well, and that her car drama got worked out.
I am still training to be a group fitness instructor, of all things. Reading and understanding the material is no problem, figuring out how to put routines together seems to be a challenge. There is this whole concept of choreography that I am having a hard time with. One of the other students, who has been teaching classes for years, said "Videos". I said "Like Beyonce?". Everybody laughed. She meant exercise videos. The concept of looking at Kathy Smith, Donna Richardson, and Denise Austin workouts, then taking notes on how many hamstring curls they do before grapevines is rather ridiculous to me. That does not mean that I am not going to go through my old video tapes to see what I have got, it just means that I will feel silly doing it. Anyway, I suppose that I need to go walk my neighbor's dog, and get my cardiovascular workout on.

Tags: no forcing.......and no holding back

06:57 pm: I have started a class where I will learn how to be an aerobics instructor. Yeah, I feel weird about it as well. We were learning about how muscles work when you exersise today. Just as I was about to drop off from being in the dark w/ the powerpoint presentation, the class was over. I want to learn how this body works, how I can make myself stronger, faster, better(?). Will I in fact be better if I lose the 20 lbs that Denise Austin whispers to me constantly about? One of the other students in the class informed me today that diabetes is caused by not chewing your food properly. That is actually the second time I have heard that. It made me feel really defensive, but I could not figure out how to address it with her in the middle of class. A friend of mine who is also taking the class suggested that if I was still feeling it the next time the class met, I should address it w/ her then. I'm thinking that I am still going to be feeling it on Tuesday.
I chased goats and fed chickens this morning. I live near a working farm and am learning all of the things that you can make at home w/ goat milk. Last weekend I (and my extremely competent neighbor) made a farmer's cheese and yogurt. They both turned out rather fabulously. Sometimes, we get eggs as well, but not this time.
I have a growing psychological dependence on nuts and nut butters. Since it is all fat as opposed to sugar, they (pumpkin seed,almond, peanut, cashew macadamia, pecan, walnut) are not so very hard on my BGL, unless I try to eat half the jar or so in one sitting. Interestingly enough, I have an life- threatening allergy to sunflower seeds, so I have been wondering what other allergies are going to pop up as I get older. Or as my environment becomes more toxic. As well as the irony of sunflower seeds and butter are often recommended as a non- allergy causing replacement for peanuts, which do not bother me at all. I am going to play at the Idapalooza Fruit Jam in a couple of weeks, and I am wondering how much goat yogurt and nut butter I am going to have to cart w/ me to make Tenn. bearable. sometimes, I just feel so isolated, w/ most of the populace scarfing down cookies and ice cream, and me, feeling as if I am left w/ nothing but fond memories. Maybe I will by an ice cream maker and make some goat milk ice cream. Maybe the next time I do not know what to write, I will write some more.